Lets be honest

I wish people could say how they really feel like, “Hey I really don’t like when you do that to me” or “Hi I really miss you and I think about you all the time” or “Hey I am in love with you” without sounding so desperate. Why can’t everyone be painfully honest and just save people the trouble.

I think it’s because they don’t want to risk their relationships? So if you’re a girl and you have to attend this dinner with your husband, so you put your makeup on and wear your favorite dress and try to look as good as you possibly can. And then your husband looks at you and tells you that he doesn’t like the dress and that you’d do way better with the other dress. How would you feel? Upset? Angry? He’s being honest; he told you what he really feels like and what he really thinks about you tonight. Respect that, he cares about what you look like when you go out. Don’t take that as an insult.

He wants to take all the tiny bits of you he really loves and press them like flowers between the pages of his favorite book. He wants you to take all the scraps that you dislike in yourself and display them on his refrigerator to show you how proud he is of the person you are and the person you are becoming.

True, sometimes being honest is unnecessary, just like in the case I mentioned above… But most of the times being honest is the only thing that can fix everything. You’d think it’d mess stuff up, but really it’s the opposite in the long run.

I’ll always encourage the reckless texts confessing your feelings. The kind where you throw your phone after hitting send.  I’ll always encourage horribly straightforward conversations at 3am when they get deep. I’ll always encourage you to say the things that make your heart beat fast and your legs shake. Because I know how alive you feel when you feel something for someone else. Show him/her that you care, before they get tired of guessing if you do or not. Don’t let them guess, don’t let them make assumptions. You love them, go and confess it. You don’t like how they treat you, let them know.

But if you are not satisfied with someone, give it time. You see, there comes a time when you meet someone and all the things you wanted in your significant other just start to disappear. You wanted to deep blue eyes like a clear ocean and then suddenly his brown creamy eyes become your favorite. You wanted someone who can use beautiful words to make you feel better but he doesn’t speak when you’re down crying, he just sits there and holds you with no intentions of letting go. And you meet someone who pours milk in the coffee enough to resemble your eyes. And suddenly like that he is someone you wanted him to be. He makes you happy and that is all, happiness.

If you want me to advise you on how to ‘maintain’ relationships; then be honest, brutally honest. That is what is going to maintain your relationship. It might not keep it steady but that’s just how relationships are meant to be.

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It’s been a while

For a long time I wasn’t sure of what I wanted or who I needed to be but I found you and you made me feel beautiful and safe and happy. In your arms I feel completely home and completely understood, and I hope you feel the same when you’re in mine. You are the person I come to when I need to calm my soul, the safest place to be myself. I know life is hard enough, I hope I can be your solace. For a long time I know you were annoyed and hurt and damaged but you found me and I hope you realized that you are loved and wanted and needed. And for a long time now we have things to see and dreams to accomplish and ourselves to love, but I can wait a life time or more for you. I hope you still know that I love you and I know you love me too. It’s something they can see from far away, as if we are drunk. We are drunk off of each other, the way we laugh and the way we keep sneaking glances even though we know the other one is looking too. If they could see our hugsies, they’d see how we curl into each other with a nervousness hidden behind a subtle excitement. They’d see how we find each other utterly intoxicating.

I try to love you exactly as you are, because you’d be instantly empowered as you transform into the greatest, truest version of yourself once you know and feel seen and appreciated in your own essence. I hope you know you fell in love with someone who wants you, who waits for you. Who understands you even in the madness. Who tries to help you and guide you and be your support and hope. I can talk to you after a fight. I hope you know you haven’t fallen in love with someone who loves only your body or your face, or isn’t there just for the idea of being in love. Because I have seen the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a person and it’s unbelievable how you are even mine in the first place.

Yes, I get mad. But that’s because I want to hear the words you are too afraid to sound to the world, the very lonely ones you keep hidden in between the folds of your heart. Please don’t confuse this with something else or being toxic. I do not wish to control you ever, you are like a woman with a good heart, someone who is unapologetic but honest, the kind of woman who deserves a knight standing right behind her when she is at war, the kind of woman I want to marry and keep mine forever. You scare the hell out of me and at the same time you calm my soul and make me feel like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. What do you think? Isn’t that what love is? A total contradiction that somehow balances.

At times you probably think that I am a bad idea or jumping into this entire thing is wrong, I know jumping into my downpour took bravery and courage. But sometimes the worst of ideas have the most beautiful of results and there is always lightness in a dark entity and some darkness in the light and creation after destruction. So perhaps your terrible idea of falling for me could someday be the best idea ever, give it time. Once this deep and powerful connection is made between us, we become a vital part of each other’s lives and nope, there’s no separating us then. No matter what the distance or duration of silence is, it can’t prevent the outbreak of smiles and laughter or the strong desire to leap into each other’s arms when we come together once more.

At the end I’d like to thank you and thank god for what he has given me and for where we are. I am ready for all the challenges and sorrows the life is yet to throw at me, I hope you are too. But we will get past everything, together. Because that’s the only way we fight this.

And just so you know, my wish is you always and forever.

Tit for tat, a lie.

I am tired. Not for a lack of rest, no. I slept quite well last night, and I’ve had my coffee. I am exhausted, fatigued by life, by the noise and the silence, the people, the empty rooms, the light and the dark; by hope and despair. So worn down by the world that nothing in it can refresh my mind from the constant buzzing. I am tired, and there are not enough hours in the night for the type of rest I need. But it’s something deeper, something inherently present, in the fibers of my skin, in my tendons, in my eyes. It’s hoping to get back what I give, it’s believing in ‘tit for tat’.

‘Tit for tat’, you get what you give. But what about that story of the girl who loved him more than anything and all she got in return were declined calls and vague messages? You spend all your time studying for this exam and at the end you fail, where’s the tit then? You spend your time practicing so you’d say it just right when you meet her, and when you say it perfectly, all you get is a confused look.

Its probably happened to you. In all likelihood, it has happened multiple times in your life thus far. You don’t understand why it happens. And when it does, it can throw you in the deepest valleys of despair. Perhaps you cry out to a higher power to make things better. Maybe just stare into cosmos, wondering what the meaning of life is and why things get tough. I’ve been there many times, for all sorts of reasons.

I have learned tones of lessons throughout life, learned from everyone. But the most important lesson I have ever learned; it’s that there is no ‘tit for tat’, it’s a lie. I spend my time loving her and saying cheesy shit to her, expecting her to reply to them the same way I said it to her. But she doesn’t, she listens and either blushes or just changes the topic. I used to feel bad about it, I used to feel neglected, but that’s before I learned this lesson. She won’t give it back to me, she doesn’t love me the way I love her. The ‘way’ I love her. Love has different ways, or more like ‘different ways of being expressed’. If your way of expressing love is by looking at her and admiring her face and telling her about it, doesn’t mean she has to be the same. Realizing this has made life so much better for me, I believed in ‘tit for tat’ and all it did was shatter me down to pieces. I didn’t pay attention to the world ending, it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning. The truth is that we as humans will do a lot of shitty things to ourselves in order to feel okay about ourselves. But don’t stop, when you get that feeling to go for it, don’t hesitate. The worst thing that could happen is that you run out of time to do what your heart begged you to do. That’s literally the worst that can happen, she might not be happy about it, or give you the response you ‘expected’, or more like ‘wanted’, but at least you have gotten your feelings dished out in front of her and she knows that the entire world could fall to pieces around you but you won’t even blink for a single second when you’re looking at her, because she is just that delectable.

Looking back it has become so clear that so much of what I needed, I didn’t know about and for that reason, I could never find, maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be. When you are ready for them, some things just crash into you.

So don’t believe in tit for tat, you want something, go get it, give all of you trying to get it. And once you do something, like do a favor to someone, don’t expect the same back. Because these expectations lead you down to nowhere, they’ll only break you. And not only you, demanding and expecting a lot from her is like you’re playing games with her mind, fucking around with her emotions, disrupting her sense of security to the point where she ends up feeling like she isn’t good enough, isn’t worthy enough, as if there’s something wrong with her. When really, it’s you, there’s something wrong with you.

I know it hurts; not getting what you’ve given, or not being praised for what you’ve done. Either way, it is irrelevant; you cannot control the depth of a wound until another soul inflicts upon you. Which is why I am not here to tell you that tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but ‘necessary’, because it makes you so much more human. And though I can’t promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time, take all the time you need. Quit being upset about it, she loves you, she won’t show it or tell you that all the time, but it’s there. Start finding joy in the little things that happen in your life instead of hurting yourself by expecting a ‘tit for tat’.

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Love and wrong person

One very ‘stupid’ statement is ‘I fell in love with the wrong person’. You know how much people hate ‘love’ these days? Saying its ugly. How about this; you never actually fall in love with the wrong person. Let me explain it in simple words; there is no love when there’s a ‘wrong person’. It’s just not. So saying that you fell in love with the wrong person and complaining about it is entirely wrong. Okay, maybe complaining is understandable. With the wrong person, it’s either infatuation, or maybe just a random relationship where you talk about how many kids you’d want to have like 15 years later. That’s not love. That’s just something; I can’t seem to find the right word for it actually. But I know for sure it’s not love. You can go find a bajillion articles out there stating how ‘falling in love with the wrong person’ is a good thing somehow.. True, these articles are super cool and ameliorate your life possibly. But let this one help you, love is too beautiful to happen with a wrong person, as you call it. You get through life and come across people who tell you they love you and you believe them, but slowly as time goes by, you realize it’s not love. We don’t know the definition of love. The way I look at it, ‘love’ is when both sides like each other back. Where you better the other person. You both inspire and encourage each other in love and in life, where you push each other towards dreams and goals which you and they’d otherwise ignore, where you both can selflessly sacrifice the time helping the other to become a more courageous, well rounded and happy human being. And that’s sacred, you hold on to something like that, something I call ‘love’. It’s not about staying together for decades entirely, no that’s not the point I am trying to make here. It’s about the affection, the happiness and the overall experience in that given time, no matter how short it is. He can call you beautiful and you’d call it love just because he is obsessed with the way you look. That’s not how it goes.

 “I hope you find the kind of love where a single touch can calm your tormented soul.” – Nikita Gill

Now that’s what love is. Something extraordinarily beautiful, something you don’t get until you find that person. Don’t call him wrong nor right. Its him, you are in love with him only if he loves you back. If you hug him, it won’t be love until he holds you back tighter. If you kiss him, it won’t be love until he kisses you back harder. If you are obsessed with the way he smiles, it won’t be love unless he is obsessed with the way you look. If you think he has a beautiful personality, it won’t be love until he realizes that you are a gem yourself. Love is there only as long as you are getting the same love back. How about we all start believing this? Wouldn’t that change the overall image of love? Wouldn’t that help in removing the blotch on ‘love’ that we have had for so long now? The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual, so when they are, drop everything, forget belongings and expectations, forget the games, the two days between texts, the hard to gets because this is it. This is what the entire world is after and you have stumbled upon it by chance, by accident. So take a deep breath, take a step forward, now run, collide like planets in the system of a dying sun, embrace each other with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions and common sense crash down around you. Because this is love, and it is all yours. Believe me, you are in for one heck of a ride, after all, this is the one that I know for sure.

Now to what actually happens when you are in a relationship with someone, while the relationship is all made up and is built upon empty promises and usually one sided love. Honestly, I don’t know what to call it even. Perhaps an illusion? That you have come to believe, illusion of a long lasting relationship. Or something close to that. Don’t know what that is, so can’t write about it.

So live your life and do what your hearts wants you to do, and don’t regret anything. Let the world know you are strong enough to deal with anything. Stop blaming love for everything, it’s that beast that broke your heart, not love. It’s not love if he breaks your heart and leaves it like that and never calls back to mend it. Mend it yourself and keep it there set up beautifully for love, actual love where you both genuinely wish you could hold each other forever, or at least as long as your forever lasts.

‘I love you’ she said firmly. ‘With all the shattered pieces of this heart, I love you. And if that’s not good enough then don’t drag this out. Let me go. If I can’t have your heart then you can’t keep mine prisoner. That’s how it works. You don’t get to have it all.’

 

I know most of you wont agree with me on this, but that is my point of view and how I look at love. Everyone has their own definition of love, and I am allowed to have mine.

Please do comment and let me know your thoughts on this post.

 

Friends

We often think who we are and who the people around us are. Oddly enough, it happens to us, not only in times of crisis in our lives. In addition, not all friends are equally good. Among them, there are your true friends who share your goals and ambitions that are ready to lend you his shoulder and come to the aid and to share your joy, which is also important. And there are fake friends. Just ordinary people from your daily environment. When everything is great, they are always beside you: you spent a lot of time together and they seem to be the closest friend you have ever had. Next day you know that people who you thought were your friends have almost become your enemies: they talk you in the back and your worst enemies are their best friends. How could this happen to you? What did you do wrong? One and only thing: you do not know how to choose friends. You cannot judge people’s character. You trust everybody and they use you for their purposes. Scores of you, my ostensible friends, talked behind my back. Yes, I heard the terrible things you said about me. It was upsetting, gut wrenching and heartrending to hear the vitriol. I thought you were different. I thought we were different. I thought we were friends. You used me to blame on all your insecurities and all the terrible mistakes and blunders you made. What a desperate, pathetic fool I was. Time after time, my “friends” had shown me their true colors. Yet, I still wanted to believe they were sorry for causing me pain. So who am I going to blame? Well, isn’t it obvious? I am the one who is to be blamed. I am the one who gave away my most personal secrets and now they’re being held and used against me. I am the one who allowed them and gave them enough of me to break my heart. No, I will never blame anyone for what I am put through. But if you are not going to be a comfort, have the decency to be an empty space. I’m honestly one of those people that are just there like yeah I do have friends and people talk to me but I’m nobody’s favorite person and nobody looks forward to talking to me everyday or anything and it sucks quite a lot. Don’t you hate it when people make a joke about you, about something that you are actually incredibly insecure about and they don’t realize it, but every laugh feels like a stab in your chest, because it hurts so much and brings up memories you’d rather forget. But you can’t say anything because then people would know your weaknesses. They’d know how insecure you really are, so instead you laugh it off and hide the pain you feel inside.

My parents, my teachers and even society has taught me many things, but one thing they don’t ever teach you is how to deal with your thoughts when you are alone. Because you are almost always alone. Sometimes it’s better to be alone, nobody can hurt you with their harsh criticism and stupid remarks. I personally enjoy being alone but sometimes you need that one shoulder to put your head on and speak about how everything in the world hurts you at that moment and how you wish you could put an end to either your life or to this world. I sound way too dramatic, I know. But when you are depressed, you don’t control your thought, your thoughts control you and I wish people would understand this. And I know it’s bad when I wake up in the morning and the only thing I look forward to is going back to bed.

Lastly, I would like to mention; Thanks, I hate me too.

 

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That’s my girl

Monday morning as I talk to her on phone while driving back home, ‘How long before you get home?’ ‘I am on my way, I wish I could just fly to you because I miss your beautiful face’. That would have made her blush, ‘Can you try not being cheesy at least when you are driving?’ ‘hahaBAAAAMM’. ‘hey what happened?’. My head hits my car’s window as my car goes crashing into a truck.

Call ends.

The medic man opens my phone to see a picture of my wife on my lock screen, he goes to my recent calls, and as he is doing that, she calls on my phone, ‘Maam I am from the City hospital, your husband was involved in a car accident and is in a critical condition.’

She arrives at the hospital crying and shouting, demanding to know where I was.

She comes to my room where I lay with my eyes closed, completely aware of my surroundings but in severe pain. ‘Goodness what have you done to yourself?, she asks as she continues crying. I open my eyes to see her gorgeous face wearing worry and tears all over. She was quite aspectabund, and this time all I could see was worry. I left that question unanswered as I reached for her hand. I broke my arm in the accident but the touch of her hand made it disappear, it was as if I dipped my hand into warm water that just completely made the pain disappear. I could feel my heart beating so fast, ready to jump out of its cage just to the touch of her. After a few seconds of just looking at each other, I started, ‘Princess, I am okay. I will be up and walking before you even know.’ She closes her eyes because she can clearly see that I wont be able to get up again and be normal. ‘Its okay love, he does miracles, one miracle that I am still here putting up with your craziness’. She finally smiles and looks down at me with pure affection in her eyes. ‘I really hope he does this miracle’. I was in pain, I could feel like my world is crumbling down into nothing, but I chose to be positive in front of her.

3 hours later

‘Isn’t it funny how I am wearing red today, its like I knew I was going to bleed today and decided to hide it by wearing the colour of the blood’, it was a very lame act towards making her laugh, but she did, maybe cuz out of all the people in this world, she laughs at my lameness. I ask her not to talk to me about the entire thing and instead talk about other random things because I wanted to take my mind off it. She leans in and places her head on my chest.  She sits there with her eyes the furthest away from being dry and asks me ‘hey remember that hoodie I borrowed from you a few weeks ago?’ ’yeah, what about it?.’ A tear escapes her eyes as she answers ‘Just letting you know the only reason you’ll ever get that back is because its has lost its scent’. We both smile at each other as she continues, ‘I will expect it back as soon as you have made it smell like you’. I smile a little wider this time because I have got the perfect cheesy response to it, ‘that’s fine, mostly because once it comes back, it smells like you’. She laughs a little and holds my hand tighter. The kind of laugh where you have tears escaping your eyes but you still cant ‘not laugh’ because it takes you back into beautiful little memories and galaxies. My vision is slowly blurring out as I she continues talking to me. I use my right unharmed hand to play with her hair because it’s definitely my hobby. She looks up at my face and smiles because she thinks its funny how I am hurt and going through shit, yet I still can’t keep myself from playing with her hair. ‘What dude? I love your hair. It looks beautiful today’. ‘Person, you say that literally everyday’. I smile and say ‘that is because you look beautiful everyday’. She blushes. I like to see her blushing; it’s the second most beautiful sight ever. (First is when she looks so adorable while sleeping). So I continue, ‘princess I just want you to know that out of all the faces in this world, even of those actresses and whatever, you have my favourite face, the face I could spend my entire life staring at’. I regretted saying that as soon as it left my mouth. Entire life? I know it’s ending and the realization hit her too. Several more tears escape her eyes as she holds on tighter. I would do all, whatever, and anything as long as doing them meant doing them with you. But not dying, I definitely did not want you to die with me. But at the same time I was worried. Who’d look after her once I have closed my eyes forever? Who’ll look at her all day and admire her and compliment her what all that she deserves. I wanted her to live. I wanted her to lay with me for hours so we can talk thousand of nothings while it means millions of somethings. Sometimes you just cannot sigh quite deep enough. She studies my face and knows what I am thinking about. But where was her magic? Where she could see the sunset, even on the darkest of days. She leans in, and for the first time her lips are so close to mine. She leans in further and kisses me and it hits me, sometimes home can be another person. She moved back and I wanted it to have lasted longer, and maybe she realized too that she should have kissed me earlier. But it was too late. I looked into her eyes, ‘princess, I don’t want to keep this from you, I have loved you from the very first day and I won’t lie on my death bed, I have loved you with all my heart. Forgive me for I have been rude to you sometimes, but you know I never purposely wanted to hurt you. I want you to live your life finally now that you get to be away from me, you deserve the world and I tried to give it to you’. I hold her hand tighter, ‘pinkypromise me that you will not let this bring you down and instead stay strong and always remember that you are a princess and you deserve all the happiness in this world.’ ‘You have been my love story and I tend to write you into everything I do and everything I dream, you are the words that fill my pages.’ She has always been my blue crayon, the one I never have enough of, the one I use to color my sky. She tries to speak but cant. I have been an eccedentesiast all my life and luckily I get to continue with that. I caress her cheek and its time over, my vision blurs out completely and my eyes close slowly. She finally speaks, ‘I know, I love you too and always will’. She leans in for another kiss but this time my body is numb, I can’t feel anything. My time is over, I leave but the memories stay with her forever. All I wish is that I get to be up there and get to look down at her and say ‘that’s my girl’. For the first time I go to bed without getting to tell you ‘lets meet in our dreams too tonight’. But at least she knows and at least she kissed me. Souls tend to go back to who feels like home, mine will too. What about our forever she may ask, the duration of a love story does not determine the amount of love shared nor lost, even the briefest touch of the heart can feel like forever in a lifetime.

 

Just a small part from something big I’ve been trying to write.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its never falling.

Falling in love, what is that even? I dont agree with that phrase. You never fall in love. Just NEVER. ‘Love’ doesnt just happen like that, not so quickly, not all of a sudden. It takes sometime. When you first love, you look blind and you see it as a beloved whole, or as a beautiful sum of beautiful parts. But when you see them in pieces, like try to study them, try to read them and understand every single little detail, as whys; why she walks like that, why she closes her eyes like that, how she cant see clear without her glasses, try to see the world through the unclear perspective, those are the parts you can fall in love with too, and its a love at once more complete and complicated. Everyone has something of beauty about them. And it always comes down to the beauty you choose to love. You notice the back of a hand, the turn of the head, the way of a walk. It doesnt entirely end there to how she flicks her hair, its beautiful, but theres a lot more to beauty than we actually talk about. Theres one truth about being hopelessly and foolishly in love, its just that love is not hopeless, never can be, and its not the least bit foolish. For me, love would have to be the most hopeful and brilliant and quite honestly the most beautiful thing our hearts can beat true to. Would you love her in pencil or pen? whatever it may be, make sure its not traceable, yet still do make sure its bold and permanent. You dont need to care about the ink smudging, what really matters is that you dont erase it, like never ever. When you have been swimming in the sea, the lake will no longer satisfy you. For you, everyone else should be the pond, while she can be your ocean, an ocean you are not scared to dive into and swim forever, collecting pieces of her and fixing them and taking them back to where they belong. You need to look at her the way she needs to be looked at, like the whole world would crumble and you wouldnt blink because the most alluring arrangement of atoms is right in front of you. Dont infatuate, if you want to be in bed with her, dont talk about having sex and then passing out, she’s better than that, talk about just laying there with her, rolling over and finding her body, and holding her tight and protecting her from any bad dreams that she has. Finding her hand in yours as an uncontrollable attraction even during the sleep. Kiss her forehead as she lays with her head on your chest, intertwining your bodies in your unconscious states, like you know, just being connected as one. If she lets you, treat her like the sky, join up all her insecurities and bundle all her flaws and create a new constellation and search for it endlessly. You need to finally realize that she doesnt look at herself the way you look at her, and you argue when she says she is not pretty. But all the things she cant stand about herself, must be all the things you cant go a day without. If she lets you, build an observatory, just to show her that all the stars can never shine as bright as her smile, that lights up your world. If her smile has the power to light up your world, you know you are already done walking in love with her, you are all in and theres no more diving left to be done in that ocean. Its all there, in your hands, in your heart, you just need to protect it and be the same until you turn back into dust and take it all with yourself to walk into love with her again in another life.

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Falling in love is not rational. It’s madness. A beautiful, wonderful moment of magnificent insanity.

~ Michael Faudet

You left me

During the day, I kept my nose down and dug in hard for my studies, but at night, right before I’d slip from the edge and fall into sleep, I’d allow myself to wonder and marvel in thoughts of vorfreude. And when I began to overwhelm, it was you, you who came wandering around in my head. I chose to induratize myself, but looking at you it was as if all my nonexistent wishes came true. You made me happy, you made me feel good about myself. Then why did you have to leave? I turned on the lights, the television, and the radio and still I can’t escape the ghost of you. They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words are going to stop the bleeding. You had me at a point where I would have left the entire world behind just for you. You said you wanted to leave and I just said ‘oh’, it actually meant my heart just got ripped into a million pieces but I won’t tell you because you wouldn’t care how I feel anyway. If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye ever again. Losing you wasn’t painful; it was freaking damaging as well. It wasn’t me sitting on a couch laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me staying up till 4 in the morning because the thought of you was so freaking strong that I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me deleting our old conversations and regretting it because now I couldn’t know where we had went wrong. It tears me apart to even look at your photographs of you, because I look at you and think, wow that person used to be someone I thought I knew, and now that I know that I really knew nothing about this person, that person was the person I thought the world of, a person I would have done anything for, and that’s the face of the person who freaking wrecked me. When I fade off into the darkness that you never wanted to know of or understand, I hope you wait for me to step back into the light. But if you choose not to, I will thank you. Because if you never understood the dark side of me, you certainly aren’t worth of getting to know my light. My light is only for the ones who never left me in the dark. I am so tired of this, I am so tired of feeling like a shattered, broken into a bajillion pieces, vase across a slippery floor and I am so tired of you, watching you tip toe around the pieces so you don’t cut yourself on me. How is this fair? Who said life is fair? Because its not, you don’t always get what you want, sometimes you just have to accept it. Other times you let it kill yourself, like let the blade completely in and puncture your vein, but that doesn’t matter because your heart has already been punctured. And who cared and listened to the brain anyway? Its just there to be ignored and then later on when you’ve done against what your brain asked you to, it comes back and haunts you. And its way of haunting you is by replaying the memories. I don’t think you ever really understood, all the love I had really all went just to you. One thing I never told you, I had Atelophobia, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of imperfection, and now thanks to you, my atelophobia has gotten even worse. Is this really what you came to give me? That’s all? Just to tell me that I am not good enough and that I suck and that this world is a better place without my existence or just that my existence makes absolutely no difference? I just feel so empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. They’ve promised that dreams come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too. I should have never told you how I felt, because all you did was make fun of me and my insecurities? You never realized just how much your words meant to me, I could have lived and I could have died hanging on the words you said. You left me.

Listen the unsaid

‘Tell me about yourself’, I ask her. ‘well’ she says and then pauses to think for a moment. ‘I guess I love the feeling of summer wind in my hair, but I also like the crisp breezes of fall. I’ve a soft spot for books. I sometimes sing and also love to listen to music. I could live in pajamas, but I also love cute dresses.’ I sit there and smile. But in my mind there are new galaxies being created, but its not just them being created, its them slamming into each other, sending a shiver throughout my body. I look at you and I can see it in your face, you think you hide it, but I see you. I see hurt and those dark circles beneath your eyes and that very quiet plea dancing on your bottom lip, too afraid to be voiced and too afraid to be heard, because you’re too afraid to be hurt. And then in the ocean of galaxies, there comes a small thought inside my mind, I just want to take you and wrap my arms around you, hold you, console you and try to tell you things you will believe. But you dont believe anymore, because you have been deceived far too many times. So I just keep looking at you and see the pain in your fake smile, and I’ll smile back. You are a peripatetic, and now you’re making me a peripatetic. It may look paradoxical to us, but its not; its an existential truth and only those people who are capable of being alone, are capable of love, of going into the deepest core of the other person, without possessing the other, without reducing the other to a thing. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, the will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because its not given by the other. Sitting there and in that moment of fake smiles being passed, I fall in love with her, I want to trace the lines on her hand just to be close to her, and I believe theres an entire ocean trapped in her eyes. I want to sit here and make her fall in love with herself. She wonders what I am thinking, and right at that moment of confusion, I kiss her. I kissed her like I am not waiting for anything else, I kissed her like I’ve forgotten every other mouth that my mouth has ever touched, and I kissed her with a curious childish delight. We laugh into each others mouth and we inhale each other’s sighs. I kissed her until she moaned I kissed her with her face in my hands not with my hand beneath her shirt or her skirt or tangled up in her bra straps. I kissed her like she’s the first and the only piece of candy I’ve ever tasted. A fire lived within our kiss and it had a way of melting every part of me. I’m glad I’ve met her and I swear with every ounce of my being that I will love her and let her be who she wants to be.

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