You left me

During the day, I kept my nose down and dug in hard for my studies, but at night, right before I’d slip from the edge and fall into sleep, I’d allow myself to wonder and marvel in thoughts of vorfreude. And when I began to overwhelm, it was you, you who came wandering around in my head. I chose to induratize myself, but looking at you it was as if all my nonexistent wishes came true. You made me happy, you made me feel good about myself. Then why did you have to leave? I turned on the lights, the television, and the radio and still I can’t escape the ghost of you. They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words are going to stop the bleeding. You had me at a point where I would have left the entire world behind just for you. You said you wanted to leave and I just said ‘oh’, it actually meant my heart just got ripped into a million pieces but I won’t tell you because you wouldn’t care how I feel anyway. If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye ever again. Losing you wasn’t painful; it was freaking damaging as well. It wasn’t me sitting on a couch laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me staying up till 4 in the morning because the thought of you was so freaking strong that I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me deleting our old conversations and regretting it because now I couldn’t know where we had went wrong. It tears me apart to even look at your photographs of you, because I look at you and think, wow that person used to be someone I thought I knew, and now that I know that I really knew nothing about this person, that person was the person I thought the world of, a person I would have done anything for, and that’s the face of the person who freaking wrecked me. When I fade off into the darkness that you never wanted to know of or understand, I hope you wait for me to step back into the light. But if you choose not to, I will thank you. Because if you never understood the dark side of me, you certainly aren’t worth of getting to know my light. My light is only for the ones who never left me in the dark. I am so tired of this, I am so tired of feeling like a shattered, broken into a bajillion pieces, vase across a slippery floor and I am so tired of you, watching you tip toe around the pieces so you don’t cut yourself on me. How is this fair? Who said life is fair? Because its not, you don’t always get what you want, sometimes you just have to accept it. Other times you let it kill yourself, like let the blade completely in and puncture your vein, but that doesn’t matter because your heart has already been punctured. And who cared and listened to the brain anyway? Its just there to be ignored and then later on when you’ve done against what your brain asked you to, it comes back and haunts you. And its way of haunting you is by replaying the memories. I don’t think you ever really understood, all the love I had really all went just to you. One thing I never told you, I had Atelophobia, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of imperfection, and now thanks to you, my atelophobia has gotten even worse. Is this really what you came to give me? That’s all? Just to tell me that I am not good enough and that I suck and that this world is a better place without my existence or just that my existence makes absolutely no difference? I just feel so empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. They’ve promised that dreams come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too. I should have never told you how I felt, because all you did was make fun of me and my insecurities? You never realized just how much your words meant to me, I could have lived and I could have died hanging on the words you said. You left me.